Now that we’ve done the research and gathered advice from real people in the same boat, we’re excited to share what we have learned.
From Our Readers: Advice for Navigating Marriage and a Special Needs Child
From Our Readers: Advice for Navigating Marriage and a Special Needs Child
You and your spouse have been blessed with raising a child/children with special needs, and whether this is a new experience for you or something you have both witnessed before, we know it can be tricky to navigate. We spoke with several couples with children with disabilities and special needs. For their privacy, we have left out their names, but here is some of the excellent advice they wanted us to share with you:
“Our youngest son has Down Syndrome, and when we first found out, we were scared for our family. We had no idea how to navigate a child with special needs and didn’t feel our family or our marriage was cut out for the job. We are so very happy to say that our son has brought nothing but joy and love into our home, and we are sure many other families feel the same way! Yes, it’s hard. Yes, our marriage suffered in the beginning. But now that we’ve been doing this for five years, we feel we have a pretty good system and a routine figured out. Our best advice is not to panic, realize that no parent is perfect, and understand that it is absolutely necessary to put your marriage first at times. We know it’s hard, and we know it feels selfish to put the kids on the back burner for a few minutes. But trust us when we say it isn’t selfish, and it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Making date night a priority and spending each evening together as a couple has helped us tremendously.”
“Our youngest son was born with several physical disabilities, and for the first few months of his life, we were told he wouldn’t live past two years old. Of course, this news was absolutely devastating, and we didn’t know how we would ever recover from losing a child. Thankfully modern medicine came to the rescue, and our son is now 15 years old. But before we knew that our son would be okay, our marriage suffered greatly. Both of us tried to be strong for the other, and we never discussed our true feelings. We put our relationship on the back burner, thinking that it was the only way we could focus on our baby. If we could go back in time, we would tell our younger selves to trust in the Lord but also in each other. We’d also tell those young, scared parents to take time every day to focus on their relationship. Those first few years of our son’s life were challenging enough without the strain on our relationship. Our marriage situation didn’t help anything, and in fact, it probably made things much worse.”
“I am a mother of six children, two with disabilities (our babies are twin girls with Down Syndrome). I enjoy anything “family” (boating, camping, travel, kid events etc.), activities with friends, cheering on my kids in all that they do and running a business with my husband, among several other things. With all that on my plate, sometimes I lose sight of being a wife. My husband works a lot, so our time is limited together. And time to do just something together isn’t something we’re very good at, especially because we both absolutely love being with our kids. But, we do take time every once in a while to just do something together without children. We try to find things that make us feel young. Date nights (these are a MUST DO-please do them as often as you can) have consisted of miniature golfing, shopping, or just taking a short drive together. Another MUST that I think helps to keep our marriage thriving is compromise and forgiveness. If we ever have a conflict or disagree, both of us are willing to say sorry, forgive each other, and try harder. I have a friend who has a down syndrome daughter; she once told me that her daughter was the “glue” that kept their family together. I’ve loved that and kept that in my thoughts. I also think the Lord sent us two angels because we needed double the glue. Haha. One other thing I’ve learned is that when you have three strings tied together, they can never break. Those strings are, in essence, the husband, wife, and Christ. When Christ is the center of your life and marriage it is far easier to enjoy life and overcome trials. I know that not everyone is fortunate enough to not have marriage last because of certain circumstances. I know that I wouldn’t have gotten this far without the few things I’ve mentioned here. Both my husband and I have found so much joy in having kids with disabilities. When you look for the positive, enjoy the good things, pray always and work together as a team with your family and friends, it’s amazing— not always easy, but truly amazing!! A couple of my favorite quotes are “enjoy the moment” and “love never fails, ” which have helped me through hard times. It takes a Village, and I love my village.” * the picture below is a photo of this beautiful family!
“Raising a child with special needs isn’t easy, and it’s a team effort. You must put your marriage first in order to navigate the lifestyle and challenges that come with raising special needs children.”
“It doesn’t matter what kind of special needs your child has. It’s all tricky! We learned the hard way that we can’t do it alone. Bring in family, friends, and anyone who is willing to offer help. If someone offers to babysit for you so you can have some time alone with your spouse, then DO IT. That doesn’t make you a bad parent! Your kids need parents who have taken the time to focus on their relationship so they can turn around and focus on their kids. If your cup is empty, you can’t expect to fill anyone else’s cups. Honestly, I feel like this advice goes for anyone who is raising kids, period.”
We LOVE all of this solid advice! We love how each couple mentioned that it’s important to put your marriage first, no matter the situation with your children. As far as how to navigate your marriage and a special needs child, keep reading for some great advice from experts.
From the Experts: Your Marriage and Raising Children with Disabilities
From the Experts: Your Marriage and Raising Children with Disabilities
There are hundreds of fantastic articles out there that discuss how to keep your marriage a priority when you are raising disabled children. A quick Google search of “how to keep your marriage strong when raising children with special needs” has over 270,000,000 results! WOW! Lucky for you, you won’t need to read through two million posts to receive some solid advice! Below you will find our favorite tidbits of advice from four great articles. We have linked each article so you can go back and read it in full if you have the desire! Dr. Gregory Popcak wrote the article Marriage and a Special Needs Child. In this article, we found two pieces of his advice that we loved:
Fact VS Myth: Divorce Rates Among Families with Special Needs Children
Fact VS Myth: Divorce Rates Among Families with Special Needs Children
It’s common knowledge that the divorce rate is terribly high. According to a study in 2022 by Miles Mason Family Law Group, PLC, “expect the divorce rate to be at least 44.2%. This is based on a marriage rate of 6.1 people per 1,000 total population and a divorce rate of 2.7 people per 1,000 total population.[xii] So for every 6.1 people who get married, 2.7 will be divorced.” However, it’s a common misconception that parents of children with disabilities are at a higher risk of divorce. In fact, we found a study that took place over the course of 50 years. The Relative Risk of Divorce in Parents of Children with Developmental Disabilities: Impacts of Lifelong Parenting was conducted by Eun Ha Namkung, MSW, Jieun Song, Ph.D., Jan S. Greenberg, Ph.D., Marsha R. Mailick, Ph.D., and Frank J. Floyd, Ph.D. for the National Library of Medicine. The study concludes that “divorce rates were not elevated, on average, in families with a child with developmental disabilities.” If you are one of the thousands of couples that have heard your marriage is doomed due to your situation, please have hope! This cannot be farther from the truth. ALL marriages are complicated. ALL marriages suffer trials and tribulations. ALL couples face challenges, and we’re pretty confident that such challenges nearly push them to their breaking point. You can take preventive actions to ensure your marriage is strong and divorce-proof, regardless of your family dynamic.
Conclusion
We feel it’s important to note that each family’s situation is vastly different. What may work for one family doesn’t guarantee success for another. However, everyone we spoke with, as well as the experts above all, made a point of telling parents of children with special needs that it’s important to set aside time to work on your relationship with your spouse. Have you ever been on an airplane? If so, we’re sure you will recall when the flight attendants go over the safety procedures should there be an emergency on the plane. During a specific part of their demonstration, the flight attendants tell all passengers to put their own oxygen masks on their face before helping others, even children. This advice relates to your marriage. To take care of your family and your children, you must first take care of your marriage.
Date Night Ideas for Parents of Disabled Children
Now that we’ve discussed the importance of prioritizing your marriage, let’s talk about an easy (and sometimes overlooked!) way to remain close with your spouse. Date night! A common question we are asked is, “how can we enjoy date night while raising a child with special needs?”We know finding someone you trust to take care of your children isn’t easy. Not everyone has the option to rely on family, and we know finding babysitters can be extremely difficult. If this relates to you, then please don’t fret! Weekly date nights are still possible even if you don’t leave the house. Here are some of our favorite at-home date night ideas:
25 Best 2-Player Card Games + 10 Top 2-Player Board GamesA Sexy Escape Room for TwoCouple’s Version of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?Cupcake Bake Off Date Night Comedy Movie Date Night Fondue Date Night
If you want to get the entire family involved at home, check out these fun, family-friendly dates!
Try Your Own Great Family Bake-Off A Fun Ping-Pong Family Game Night Build Your Own Pizza Competition The Ultimate List of Good Family Movies Your Whole Family Will Enjoy pairs perfectly with our Popcorn Bar Date Night! Backyard and Outdoor Family Games
And finally, if you can get out of the house, then you need to check out our favorite out-of-the-house dates!
Find New Treasures On This Fun Garage Sale DateExplore Your City on a Lime ScooterPick Your Date Night Adventure Kidnap Your Spouse Date Night
ChildCare.gov is a great resource for finding services for children with disabilities. We have also heard Care.com provides excellent service as well! To all you parents out there, you are rock stars! We hope you found this post helpful, but more importantly, we hope you know that you are doing an awesome job taking care of your family. Hugs from the Divas!
Resources
Articles:
Marriage and a Special Needs Child, by Dr. Gregory Popcak for For Your Marriage
Prioritizing the Relationship with your Spouse while Raising a Special Needs Child by Lisa Thomas, LCSW, LMFT, DAACS for National Fragile X Foundation
12 Powerful Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage as Special Needs Parents by Alix Strickland Frenoy for Special Learning House
“How do I keep my marriage strong while raising a child with autism?” by Maureen Bennie for Autism Centre Awareness, Inc10 Ways to Strengthen a Marriage and Avoid Divorce by Wayne Parker, Medically Reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD for VeryWellMind
Studies:
Divorce Rates Statistics and Trends for 2022 by Miles Mason, Sr. for Miles Mason Family Law Group, PLC The Relative Risk of Divorce in Parents of Children with Developmental Disabilities: Impacts of Lifelong Parenting conducted by Eun Ha Namkung, MSW, Jieun Song, Ph.D., Jan S. Greenberg, Ph.D., Marsha R. Mailick, Ph.D., and Frank J. Floyd, Ph.D. for the National Library of Medicine.
