Later I came to work with him, in a coaching format. I discovered his life was tormented by his own vicious attacks on himself. Growing up in a critical family, he felt that he never lived up to their expectations. His father—ironically, a judge in a local court—had hoped his son would follow him into law. To his disappointment, his son did not, and he did not hide his disdain for his son’s career choice.
The Inner Critic Run Amok
As a consequence, the psychiatrist had internalized this culture of judgment and was unforgiving of even the slightest error in himself or others. He lived his life under the oppressive reach of the inner critic’s hand. It had turned his life into a narrow hell where nothing he did was right, no matter how successful he was in medicine. What he didn’t see was how he turned that same critique toward everyone around him, literally scaring them away. It was no wonder he felt sad and lonely. Have you ever wondered what it’s like at home for the most judgmental person you know at the office? Rest assured it wouldn’t be all quiet. For the most part, what goes out goes in; if someone is outwardly critical, they are most likely also turning the screw on themselves when there is no one else around to take aim at.
What’s Your Judgement Style?
However, people do tend to lean more in one direction than the other—either outward or inward—when judging. Take a look at your own mind and see if that is so. Do you tend to judge yourself or others more, or is it about even? Or do the judgments just go whichever way the critic is looking? It is important to understand your mental habits because the more you practice a habit, the more entrenched it becomes. If your habit is to judge (whether internally or externally), guess what becomes the norm? The key point here is that we do not want to strengthen the critic’s fundamentally problematic point of view. Unlike a person exercising discernment, the critic attacks whoever falls under its scrutiny. That is a terrible fate to befall anyone. It is most dire when done to oneself, which is where the guillotine will inevitably fall if we keep up the habit of judging others. So how do you interrupt this habit?
Two Ways to Interrupt the Inner Critic
Mindfulness Practice: How to See the Good in Everyone
This is a practice you can do as you go about your day and encounter people. I try to do this whenever someone enters my presence, whether in the office, the bus, a café, or a store. It shifts my perspective from one of fear, caution, or anxiety to one of greater warmth, interest, and positivity.
As a ten-minute mindfulness practice an entire bus ride throughout a meeting at work a family dinner when shopping standing in line at a sports event
Notice how it can change your mood and the way you feel about the people around you. 5) Try bringing the same perspective to yourself as you go through the day. What would it be like to turn your attention to your positive qualities, actions, and strengths? Notice how this too shifts the bias from what is wrong to what is actually okay and positive.
